Saving Yourself for Marriage

This topic is so close to my heart and I want to shed some light on it. I don't think the "why" behind saving yourself for marriage is talked about enough in the church. I am not condemning anyone who hasn't saved themselves, but I do want to help you take steps towards forgiveness, healing and growth. Everything I am about to share has impacted my own experience with waiting until marriage to have sex. While I write this from a woman's perspective to other women, I encourage men to read this too.

Meet me and my husband, Ben. We both desired saving ourselves for our future spouse, and man, I gotta say, sometimes it wasn't easy. Let me shine some light by telling you how I did it and why. Ya girl's about to get personal.

Why Wait?

"I don't want our differences in views to scare you away from what I believe needs to be said."

Just a quick disclaimer: I view this topic though a biblical lens, but please don't let that discourage you from reading this. Some of what I will say, though based in scripture and what God has to say, may help you from a non-biblical perspective. I don't want our differences in views to scare you away from what I believe needs to be said. I just wanna be straight forward and honest with you so you know what you're getting yourself into.

Where to Start:

The first thing in understanding your own path on this journey is understanding why you're here. Are you currently saving yourself for marriage and you need help because it's gotten harder? Maybe you slipped up and feel guilty about it and need some help getting back on the right track. Are you looking for something to remind you why you were saving yourself in the first place? Did your parents drill it into your head that you need to wait and never explain why and make you feel guilty for even being attracted to your man? Cuz same. I've been there.

It's Personal but Doesn't Just Affect You.

“My husband is affected by every sexual thing from my past whether I am conscious of it or not."

Let's start with the personal. I'll break this down a bit, but I want to begin with sharing scripture that God has used to impact my own journey of waiting. God has commanded us to flee sexual immorality. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul writes to the Corinthian church to address this.

" Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits

are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against

against their own body." -1 Corinthians 6:18

Let's break it down. Flee is an action. This means we don't just ignore the sexual desires, but we must RUN from them when outside of the context of marriage. We'll get to this later, but God loves love. Especially sex within marriage. So why must we run? First we have to understand the definition of sin. Sin by Google's definition: "an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law." Sin in my own words: an action performed that does not bring God glory, and in doing so, is an act against him.

Sexual immorality, as Paul tells us here, is a sin against our own bodies. Take the definitions for sin I just gave you and add yourself to them. Plug that into what Paul says to the church and it becomes extremely personal: ...but if I sin sexually, I make an immoral act considered to be a transgression against myself and God. You might be thinking: Man, Rachel, that's a bit harsh! It should be if it is going to have a lasting impression on our walk. I simply changed the subject from whoever to myself to make it personal for me and you. This is what God brought to my attention that truly helped me in my own walk to saving myself for marriage.

Running from something that could potentially hurt us makes sense, right? But what about when it doesn't just hurt us?

"It is God’s will that you should be sanctified:

that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you

should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable,

not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God;

and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.

The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before.

For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.

Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being

but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit."

1 Thess. 4: 3-8

Here, we see Paul address the Thessalonians and tell them that sexual sin is an issue of self-control and it harms others. So what does this mean? Sexual sin comes from a lack of self-control. When we allow ourselves to be controlled by sexual (lustful) desires, we are no longer controlling ourselves. When we are no longer in control, Satan will use the opportunity to manipulate you and deceive you to think that what you're doing is okay and there's nothing wrong with it.

The Lord is warning us that when we have sex outside of marriage, masturbate or watch porn, we are setting expectations for our future spouse. Our spouse will never be able to meet them because we have those expectations from things that aren't from them. The devil will put thoughts in your head that will have you comparing your spouse to how good it felt with someone else, how you did it, or how it looked like it would feel. My husband is affected by every sexual thing from my past whether I am conscious of it or not. This is so dangerous for a healthy marriage. You can unlearn these thoughts over time, but it is best to not have the initial comparison to begin with. If you've already had sex or done any of these things, it's not too late for you. You can start fighting now to protect the marriage God has planned for you.

If you have been sexually abused, I want to tell you that you are dealing with the consequences of someone else's sin. It was not your fault. God loves you and he sees you. Let God's grace wash over you and let his love cleanse you of what that person did to you.

How to Move Forward With this Knowledge:

So how do we run? We fight. The first thing to do is to identify what you're struggling with and then create action steps. I'm gonna help you create a plan.

Step 1: Identify the sin

Step 2: Identify the trigger

Step 3: Find an accountability partner

Step 4: Fight the trigger(s)

Step 5: Ground your fight in truth

Let's share a practical example.

Step 1: Let's say you're struggling with masturbation.

Step 2: What triggers you to do it? Maybe some music you're listening to is singing about sex and gets you turned on. The trigger is music that sings about sex. (There's likely more than one thing, but I'll only use one for the example)

Step 3: Tell someone! This is so important. If nobody knows you're struggling, how are you supposed to have backup for the fight? When you slip up, that person will pick you back up and cheer you on as you try again. Tell them what you're going through and what the triggers are so they can support you in social situations and back you up. (Just don't choose your significant other. If the two of you are struggling to wait until marriage, you need someone on the outside of the relationship to check in.)

Step 4: How do you fight it? Remove those songs from playlists. Remove yourself from situations where that music is played and speak up for yourself and say you'd rather listen to something else when with friends. And PRAY! Ask the Lord to fight on your behalf in those situations. Pray that God would remove the temptations in Jesus name. Talking to God in the moment of weakness brings him into the situation and you realize you're not alone. When God is there with you, it's a lot harder to do the thing. (He's there with you all the time by the way.)

Step 5: Have your fight grounded in truth. You are fighting to stop a sin. It's not easy. Lean on the Lord when it feels too hard. He will give you strength when you feel like you can't do it on your own. The truth is we can't fight on our own. That's the reason Jesus came and died on the cross for us. His love and grace covers any sin we commit. When we mess up, his grace is there to tell you: I gotchu. I died so that you can live. I died for that thing you did so that you don't have to. I forgive you. Jesus already fought the battle, we just have to accept it.

I have fought my own sexual sin this way and have overcome it by the grace of God. I would not be who I am today with out this fight. As hard and as painful of a fight as it was, it was so worth it. I have found so much freedom on the other side. If I can do it, you can do it!

It's Worth the Fight

I know it sounds hard or even impossible, but once you have your fight grounded in truth and you have the knowledge on how to fight well, there's nothing stopping you but you. That's both empowering and terrifying at the same time, right? Might I remind you once again that that's where Jesus steps in. You can't fight on your own. You need the support of Jesus and your accountability partner.

Like I said earlier, God loves love. He wants you to enjoy sex within marriage as much as possible. That's why it's such a special thing to fight for. Sex was designed to be enjoyed. I'm no sex expert, but I do want you to fight to make it as enjoyable as possible for when that day comes.

It doesn't matter what you're fighting; masturbation, porn, or wanting to have sex when you know you should wait. God will carry you through and you will make it to the other side. And the incredible freedom on the other side is SO worth it, I promise. It will get easier as time goes by, but the thoughts and triggers will show up sometimes. Learning how to shut it down before it even starts is such an empowering and hopeful feeling. You got this.

Now it's Your Turn!

Read the Bible and make sure that what I'm saying is true here. I'm merely a person, so I'm bound to say something wrong. If I'm sure of anything I said above it's step 5. Jesus' love for you is so much more than I could ever put into words. He loves you and he wants you to overcome. He's already done it for you. Just let go and let him take it. I know it's easier said than done, but trust him and you'll make it! I'm praying for you and rooting for you!

Much love,

Rachel Bethanie