A Story of Deliverance and Love

God has made it clear to me that I need to share my story. Everything you are about to read was prayerfully guided and written. It is not easy for me to share this, so I ask that you be kind. I, of course, won't be sharing every detail as some of it is not mine to tell. Other people are involved and I want to protect them and keep them anonymous. I won't be sharing every detail because some of it is too personal and you can understand without full context. This is my story and I am prayerfully sharing it the way I believe God wants me to.

Hi, I'm Rachel. We've already met, but you probably don't know me very well. I'm a 22 year old wife, friend, blogger, artist and small business owner. How I got here is a long and complicated story, but I'll spare you some of the details. I'll probably jump around a bit, but I promise it will come full circle at the end. Buckle your seatbelts, cuz here we go...

My story starts when I was between the ages of 10-12. I was introduced to sexual sin before I was old enough to really understand what was happening or what it was. I started masturbating that young. I was too young to really understand what I was doing and because of it, I got addicted. I had a short relationship with another girl. At some point in middle school, I started to understand what I was doing and the sin that it was. I was disgusted with myself. Middle school is a rough age for most people, and this discovery made me hate myself. I grew up going to church and here I was, a middle schooler, finding myself so deep into sin that I didn't see a way out. My only way out for several years was to hide it.

Along with hiding this addiction that was eating away at my confidence and worth, I was struggling with a relationship with someone close to me that was verbally/emotionally abusive. Almost daily, I would hear lies about how fat, lazy, or pathetic I was. Mind you, I was a very active teenager. I ran cross country, played soccer, I was in color guard for marching band, I played flute and piccolo in concert band, I twirled baton outside of school, and I helped my parents and grandparents at home with different projects around their property. I lived two houses down the street from my grandparents who have a massive garden and just about every fruit tree you can think of. Summers were just as busy as the school year because I was also heavily involved in 4-H. I did sewing, cake decorating, entomology (that's bugs), embroidery, scrapbooking, and a few others.

I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of activities I was involved in, and the pressure to excel in all of them to make up for being called fat, lazy and pathetic simply made it worse. I felt that no matter what I did, I was never good enough. This need to be good enough started eating away at my already diminishing worth and confidence. I felt trapped in a cycle of doing too much, getting criticized for any progress I made, and feeling like I never measured up to their expectations. I started praying for a way out. I didn't know what this would mean, but I prayed anyway.

And then we moved 11 hours away from everything I knew and had a chance to start over.

We moved because my dad got laid off from his current construction job. At the same time, my uncle (my mom's brother) was dying of cancer. It was hard on them. It was hard on all of us.

The same week we moved, (June of 2014) I started band camp at my new school. My school had a summer circuit which means our marching band competed over the summer instead of the fall. Pretty quickly, I made friendships, and they became like family. My band director asked the band kids if they'd help my family move in, and they did. It made the transition so much easier.

While struggling with my worth, I began looking for my worth elsewhere. I put my worth in my friendships and boys. I wasn't allowed to date, but I did it anyway. I had boyfriends, but never saw them outside of school. I had friendships and we would have sleepovers often and those would be my escape from the world. At least that was the case until the beginning of my senior year, when I lost all but 2 of my 6 friends and went through a hard break up with the first boy I was allowed to date. My world felt like it was crumbling. This caused me to make one of the most important decisions of my life. I went to youth group at my church. I signed up for a missions trip to Grand Rapids, Michigan and created new, healthier friendships with some of the girls on the trip and we did some bible studies together. My youth pastor gifted the seniors study bibles as an encouragement to continue in faith as we went to college.

Because I was still struggling with self-confidence, the few activities I did commit to after moving (concert band, color guard, soccer and baton twirling), I didn't really push myself in because my confidence was low. I was giving up trying to do well, because no matter how hard I tried, I never got the approval of that person I was trying to be good enough for. My senior year, I quit soccer to focus on band and twirling. While I always enjoyed color guard, I didn't fall in love with it until my last season. As I prepared for college, I sent in audition videos to several schools for color guard and twirling and never heard back from any of them except Southern Illinois University Carbondale. I auditioned in person for both color guard and baton at SIU a month before high school graduation and the band director let me choose between the two. I chose color guard and would start classes at SIUC the following fall.

As I entered into college, I still struggled with my worth, confidence, and addictions. As I mentioned before, I found my worth from boys and friendships. So when I went to college, I downloaded some dating apps and found my best friend through color guard. She moved into my dorm with me after my roommate moved out, and I clung to our friendship because I was afraid of losing another close friend. My parents called and asked how college was going and I told them about my newfound best friend and an organization called InterVarsity Christian Fellowship I had heard about, but was hesitant to go to. They encouraged me to go to this organization to find more friends than just her.

I was only a month into my freshman year when God got my attention. I had been invited to InterVarsity within my first week there, and decided to go to their Fall Retreat after joining a bible study they held in my dorm. This was a weekend trip to St. Louis to spend time in community and with the Lord. I was introduced to a practice called a retreat of silence. I kid you not, everyone sat alone for 3 hours straight in silence. No phones, no music, just you and a guided bible study and your lunch. During this time of silence with God, He called me out. He convicted me to delete all the dating apps and trust him with who he had for me. So I did.

I met another girl at this retreat who asked for help because she was depressed and suicidal. She was also in the same bible study as I was. She became dependent on me for everything, and it was draining because I didn't set boundaries. I ended up texting a guy from that same bible study, Ben, in order to vent and process what I was going through. After venting, we would end up talking about life. Slowly but surely, I realized I liked him, though he was nothing close to what I considered "my type" at the time. After a few weeks, I told him how I felt and we started hanging out and decided to pray over our relationship for a month before finally dating.

Meanwhile, I started something called discipleship with one of the upperclassmen, where we would get together once a week and discuss a chapter of a book we chose to read together and she would disciple me. Through this process, God revealed all kinds of things I never knew I had shoved beneath the surface and didn't want to confront. But now they were in front of me, and I had to confront them. And it was HARD. God was tearing down my walls, and I was worn out from my lack of boundaries. It took a toll on my relationship with Ben, so much so, that I ended up breaking up with him after Christmas break.

The girl who was dependent on me ended up not coming back to SIU that spring semester, and I was so thankful. I felt like I could breathe and begin to confront some of the walls I was facing. I didn't like the major I was in so I changed to a different major. Ben and I decided to continue hanging out as friends. I remember being so angry at the things I was confronting that I was bawling on the couch at his apartment, punching the back cushions. I was angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, and heart broken all at once. The walls I was confronting were almost entirely built on the relationship with the person who was emotionally and verbally abusive. There were a few days I was so upset at this person that I told myself I wouldn't care if they died. I was hurting so so bad.

Around the same time, I realized that I broke up with Ben because I hadn't understood that I was trying to be good enough for that person. I subconsciously thought Ben wasn't what that person wanted for me and I broke up with him for it. Once I realized that, I told Ben. We decided to pray about our relationship again and this time waited almost 2 months before getting back together in March. I told him about that person, and the toll the relationship had on my mental health. My family wasn't good at communication, so I made it clear that communicating was on the top of my priority list for our relationship moving forward. I told Ben everything from my past because I wanted to be completely honest and open with him. And he didn't judge me for it. He simply listened.

That summer, I faced the person I was so angry at. I didn't confront them, but I had to be around them with all these emotions boiling under the surface. I hung out with my friends a lot and worked a bunch to avoid them. It felt like torture.

Going back to school for sophomore year, I changed majors once again. This year, I was color guard captain alongside my best friend. I was busy with InterVarsity events and wasn't helping her as much as I should've been, and it caused tension on our friendship. Then I went to fall retreat a second time and God met me where I was again. This time He asked me to give up color guard. I was so confused. I was captain with my best friend for something I loved. By the end of the night, I knew what He wanted, but I didn't want to do it. I realized that God wanted me to give up color guard because it was taking His place in my life. At the end of the service that night, we started singing Reckless Love by Cory Asbury, and I fell to the floor sobbing. I had to obey.

What I thought would be a 4 year journey, ended after 2 years. But letting it go led to a blessing. About a month after deciding to finish the season and not come back the next year, InterVarsity asked me to become their social coordinator (aka party planner). Coming from a family that doesn't plan anything, I was intimidated, but I was also excited. I planned several parties that became opportunities for students to bring their friends and have a chance at meeting Jesus. I loved it. I joined a leadership team that helped plan the weekly large group (basically a youth group night for college students).

I struggled that semester with letting go of things I loved, tension with my best friend, continuing to confront my walls...and I changed majors a third time.

After going home for Christmas break and being around that person again, I prayed for a way to not go home for summer break. While I was home, my best friend told me she had found Jesus and I was overjoyed. Our friendship was transformed after that. I had never had a close friend love Jesus like I did before. She ended up being there to help take down my walls more than before.

At the end of my sophomore year, I changed my major a 4th and final time. In order to graduate on time, I had to take summer classes. Since I chose to switch to art, that meant studio classes on campus. Summer classes had to be paid out of pocket, so I found a job on campus and worked as much as I could to pay for it. Then a few of the girls from InterVarsity asked if I wanted to move into an apartment with them that summer and I accepted. That meant I wasn't going home that summer.

Because it was summer break, I ended up living alone in my new apartment. I loved my newfound freedom, but it also made me face my addiction. God knocked me on my butt. I found an accountability partner, and God became my strength when I felt weak. When I struggled with my desire to masturbate, God helped me identify my triggers and overcome them with His help. That summer, my addiction came to an end. That summer, I found freedom from an addiction that lasted 10 years. My faith became personal, and it flourished. But God wasn't done with me yet.

Finding freedom from a sin that made me hate myself lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, but I was still struggling to find freedom from that relationship I felt trapped in. As God used me to create opportunities for other students to encounter Jesus, He was working on my heart. He was showing me that my faith is my own, my worth is found in Jesus, and He has a plan for me.

As God was pouring His truth into my heart, my heart began to change. I began to realize that the person was dealing with their own pain and because of it, was projecting their pain onto me. I started to learn that their words were no longer personal to me, but only personal to them. God gave me compassion for this person, even though it was still painful to be around them. I finally came to a place of forgiveness for this person. I am no longer angry at them and I no longer hate them. My heart goes out to them because they need healing from their own pain. They need Jesus. And I want to love them like Jesus does, regardless of what they had done.

And then covid happened.

Spring semester 2020, I was working at 8am and had studio classes that kept me in the studio until 9pm multiple days of the week. I was exhausted. When Covid hit, it provided me with a break that I desperately needed. Ben, on the other hand, was about to graduate college that May. All of the job applications he submitted were basically thrown in the trash because employers didn't know what would happen because of covid. A few weeks before he graduated, a company contacted Ben's program looking for students to hire. Ben jumped on the opportunity and got the job.

After 2 1/2 years of dating, we knew we wanted to get married. Ben proposed that following August, right before my senior year started. We decided to get married a year later in the fall of 2021, about 3 months after I graduated. Getting married at this point in time, allowed me to not have to go home again after college, because I still wasn't good at confronting and setting up boundaries for myself.

As a senior in the art program, I focused on ceramics and painting. I was still a student leader for InterVarsity during the fall, and I had found a new job at a local coffee shop as a barista. These things combined made me realize I wanted to open a storefront for local artists to sell their work in a community focused environment with coffee and ice cream that would be run from an evangelistic business strategy. But how the heck would I do that?

Well, I'm still not there, but I am selling my artwork on Instagram and Etsy as a stay at home wife. I considered getting a part time job because I didn't think I was making enough money off of it, but God made it very clear to me and Ben that this is what I was supposed to focus on by giving us a huge blessing.

And now, God has very clearly called me to share my story.

So why is my story so important?

Honestly, prior to writing this, I had no idea. I didn't think my story was anything special. It just felt like a bunch of heartache and struggle.

But God. He pointed out why I needed to share this.

Maybe you are struggling with an addiction or an unhealthy relationship and have no hope.

I want to give you hope in Jesus.

Reflecting on my story, I realized, God delivered and made a way for me more than I ever recognized.

I prayed and God answered. Maybe not how or when I expected, but He did and it was exactly what I needed.

God delivered me from unhealthy situations. He delivered me from over committing myself, from friendships I didn't even realize were unhealthy until years later, from a dependence on others for my worth, from a 10 year addiction that was eating me alive, and provided space from a close but unhealthy relationship where I can be more intentional in showing Jesus' love any time we interact.

But why is this important to you?

Because God can and will deliver you too. You just gotta ask. We have a polite God who wants us to ask Him first. And when we ask, He will answer, but not on our timing or our terms, but on His perfect timing and His terms. God's timing has always been better for me and it will be for you too. All you need is faith and to trust Him.

You might even be thinking, "Okay, but why did God let these things happen in the first place? They're painful and hard!" Well, I have a simple answer to that. We all live in a fallen world where sin and pain exist. God never leaves us in the midst of that pain. Through His mercy and grace, we can be brought out of that pain. We need God, and he loves us and wants to help us heal.

God sent His son, Jesus, to carry all the weight of our pain, our shame, our brokenness, and our sin in the ultimate act of love, by dying a death He didn't deserve to save us by defeating death. By dying on the cross for us, so we don't have to, Jesus has given us the opportunity to accept His victory as our own. When you accept His victory, you are given immediate citizenship into heaven. You are given the holy spirit to help you fight on His behalf.

Yes, the world may be full of pain and heartbreak, but heaven isn't and God is calling us home. Our job as citizens of both heaven and earth is to share this joy with others. To help others discover the love of God for themselves and to allow God to work through us to change the world. To radically impact the world with a love that is beyond comprehension to those who have experienced it.

If you're reading this and haven't experienced that love, and aren't sure you want to, but are curious, I encourage you to take a chance and pray a simple but sincere prayer asking God to reveal himself to you and that your heart would be open to the possibility.

If that's you, and you're comfortable, click here so I can personally send you encouragement.

That's me

If you're reading this and you want to experience that love, but have no idea where to start, I encourage you to pray a simple but sincere prayer asking God to forgive you of the sin in your life, to open your heart to Him and accept the love that He has for you, and give you the courage to grow in your relationship with Him.

If that's you, and you're comfortable, click here so I can personally send you encouragement.

That's me

If you've already encountered this love, but aren't sure what your next steps are, I encourage you to lay out all of your frustrations to the Lord. He will listen. He hears you. Ask God to give you a heart that's willing to change, to fill you with the holy spirit, and to give you clear discernment on your next step. He will answer when the time is right. Just wait and see.

If that's you, and you're comfortable, click here so I can personally send you encouragement.

That's me

I pray that my story isn't just a story, but it sticks with you as a reminder of what God can do for you. I do not share this story to gain anything from it. If God hadn't asked me to share it, I definitely wouldn't have because it's shameful for me. But God is still working on healing me from that shame. I'm still working on handing my shame over to him because I don't need to carry it anymore.

I pray that you encounter Jesus through my story, not me. This is for His glory, and His alone.

I pray that God blesses you and reveals himself to you in powerful ways this week, in Jesus name.

All the love I can give to you through a screen, is given.

So much love,